Saturday, April 10, 2010

It feels like I can see in color again!

As some of you know I’ve been anxiously awaiting the results of an MRI of my heart.
What you may not know is how anxious I was. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I too didn’t realize quite how large a burden I was carrying—until I was released from it today.
The way the doctors were acting was the way they acted when I was 18 and ended up having emergency open-heart surgery. I genuinely believed I was going to cracked open within the week.
And with that I figured my internship was done—I would have to leave St. John’s and Baltimore and find somewhere to recuperate and relearn all those basic things that your body kind of forgets when it has had a massive trauma to its core. I figured I would be held back in the call process. I figured, because the seminary insurance has all but dropped me because they’ve seen fit to call my life a “congenital condition” this was in a sense also economic finality for me. I also remembered that open-heart surgery is not without danger, without a chance that I could die.
But I just sort of soldiered on and put it in the back of my mind. I did take time and write about it some. I also did talk to a few close friends about some of my fears. So no problem… or so I thought.
Then today I found out the doctors were acting funny because they were unsure how/why the doctor who did a particular part of my first full correction when I was a three years old.
Since finding out this afternoon I feel like a burden has been lifted. When I drove to a friends this evening for a meal I genuinely thought the sun was brighter and the colors that naturally occur on this beautiful earth were more vivid. The steak my friends and I ate, was, better… then again Ward is a damn good cook… but none the less, I just feel so relieved.
It feels to me now like Easter wasn’t last week, but today.

Monday, April 05, 2010

A Prayer

Because I know You
I bow before Your sacredness
Come to me
Thread Your being throughout my life
Remind me of Your mercy
Infuse my soul with Your spirit
Be with me
All that sustains me is from You
It gives me great joy
I am marred, and You love me
I am mangled, and You keep me
May I too love and keep my siblings
I am thrown into ambiguity—may I trust You are with me
Bring me from the valley to the mountain peeks
Through the cloud to see Your face